One Year.........

One year ago from right now......I had no idea how my world would be turned upside down and falling apart before the day was done and my life would be forever altered. The day was fairly unremarkable and the same as usual. Only in the early afternoon did I even find out that anything had been wrong with Mom and that she'd been in the ER. I made a quick trip to Wal-Mart to pick up some groceries for dinner and was rushing back to get dinner taken care of before we'd take off for Alex's Cub Scout meeting when I got the most horrible phone call of my life. Mandy called me in absolute hysterics and I couldn't understand a thing she was saying. I actually thought she was laughing really hard at first. Then when she couldn't stop it started sinking in that something was terribly wrong. She finally calmed just enough that I could understand her saying that she'd been giving Mom CPR and that she was now leaving in an ambulance not breathing and with no pulse. :( By that time, I was in hysterics of my own. I honestly don't know how I made it the rest of the way home.....I must have been on auto pilot.
One year later......not a lot has changed about my every day life. We pretty much do the same things we do every day that we did before. The pain of loss is easier to deal with though I still think about and miss Mom every single day. I can't believe it's been a whole year.
I love you and miss you so much, Mom.

Last phone call.......

One year ago today was the last time I talked to Mom. Having lived far away for so long, our daily....sometimes multiple daily....phone calls were a huge part of our relationship. I called her about everything and nothing. Sometimes really just needed to hear her voice. And I knew it so well. She often marveled at how I could tell so many things about her, just by hearing her voice. Yes, I knew it so well. When she was sick, I told her several times that she was forbidden to go anywhere because I didn't have anyone to talk to like her and certainly no one would put up with all my calls like her. lol Now a year later.....what I would give, just to hear it one more time. *TEARS*

A friend shared this video & song with me today. I had never heard it before, but it is so appropriate for how I feel every day missing talking to my Mom, but especially today. If you play it, you'll want to pause or stop my other music first.
It's called "Address in the Stars."

Been a while...........

My last real blog was March 9th. Little did I know that 2 days later, our world would be turned upside down once more. Early in the morning on March 11, 2009 I had barely woken up and got out of bed, ready to get the day moving and the phone rang. It was Erik, who tearfully told me that his Dad had passed away. :(
I knew in my heart that we didn't have much longer with him, but this was unexpected. He was really weak when we'd last seen him in January, just didn't look or act well at all. February 12 he called us and told us he had a form of Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma called Mycosis Fungoides. Which pretty much means that it presented itself first in his skin. In January, he had thought it was a really bad case of flared up eczema. Obviously, it wasn't. He was facing a really intensive round of chemo and radiation treatments. Given his massive other health issues and his already weakened condition, I never expected that he would make it through the treatments. Though Mom had other health problems prior to the cancer, her overall condition was soooooooooo much better than his and I saw what her treatments took out of her.....and hers wasn't even close to being as intensive as his would have been. I just knew the treatments alone would have done him in, if it weren't the cancer. Turns out, it never even came to that. His poor heart gave out first. :( He had a really bad heart. Had a pacemaker for like 20 years.....so it wasn't like that was a huge surprise either. I guess the added stress of knowing what was in store for him was maybe just too much. The biggest surprise for us was that we had talked to him at around 7pm the day before. Called to sing him Happy Birthday for his 61st birthday. He sounded so happy, was in great spirits. He excitedly told Erik of all the running around town he did that day and in talking to his friends after, it was apparently the best he'd been seen by them in about 6 months. So, the emergency room calling Erik early the next morning and telling him that he was gone came very unexpectedly at that moment.
This is a moment we had dreaded for a long time. Not only because of losing his Dad and the boys' "Papa Doc" they adored so much, but because Erik is his only child and everything was left to us to take care of. Being 600 miles away when this stuff happens, is not an easy thing. Had been through it only 7 months before when we lost Mom....only we weren't quite so on our own then.
We took care of first things first, which was him obviously. We had his memorial service that Saturday, the 14th, in Cedar City, UT and his interment the following Monday, the 16th, in Sandy, UT. Everything turned out really nice, especially the military honors. That was very beautiful and emotional too.
It has been 5 months today since we lost him. We miss him very much. Our sadness aside, we are glad that he is no longer suffering and free from the sick body that held his free spirit captive for so long. I am thankful that Heavenly Father showed him mercy and that he didn't have to endure the cancer treatments which would have been so horrible for him. Rest in Peace, Papa Doc.

This picture was from the last time we saw him, in January. I was just goofing around with my new phone when I snapped this picture. Had I known it would be the last time, I'd have taken so many more. *sigh*

Giving a shout out to my Dad!

Haven't blogged in a while. So much has happened to tell......guess I've lost that bloggin' feelin.' My Dad keeps asking when I'm going to start blogging again....so thought I'd give him a shout out....."HI DAD!!!!" lol Maybe I'll sit down and write a blog tomorrow. It's going to be a long one for sure.....and I'm just too tired right now.

My Mom........by the boys

This is a little questionnaire I did with the boys on Facebook, but thought I'd copy it over here for keepsake purposes. :)


CONNOR
1. What is something mom always says to you?
No! (lol)

2. What makes mom happy?
Hugging you and kissing you.

3. What makes mom sad?
Not hugging you and kissing you (lol)

4. What does your mom do to make you laugh?
Playing

5. What was your mom like as a child?
I don't know

6. How old is your mom?
7 (I must be Aidan's twin or something! lol)

7. How tall is your mom?
1 feet pounds (lol)

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
go to the park and play with us and get our snacks out.

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
I don't know.

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
You (?)

11. What is your mom really good at?
playing hide and go seek

12. What is your mom not very good at?
don't know how to set up the video games

13. What does your mom do for her job?
watch Jacob and me and Sophie

14. What is your mom's favorite food?
Spaghetti

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
hugging me and kissing me

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
A super hero

17. What do you and your mom do together?
play

18. How are you and your mom alike?
by being kind

19. How are you and your mom different?
by wearing make up (me-lol)

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
by being kind

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
Chinese (I think he means a restaurant)

ALEX

1. What is something mom always says to you?
You're a cute kid.

2. What makes mom happy?
seeing me everyday except when I am in trouble (lol)

3. What makes mom sad?
missing Grandma

4. What does your mom do to make you laugh?
Tickles me

5. What was your mom like as a child?
Explorer

6. How old is your mom?
32

7. How tall is your mom?
4' 10" (I know I'm short, but come on!!!)

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Watch Pride & Prejudice or read Twilight

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
watch kids and go to the park

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
being my Mom

11. What is your mom really good at?
watching kids

12. What is your mom not very good at?
playing video games....anything to do with them

13. What does your mom do for her job?
watch kids

14. What is your mom's favorite food?
your enchiladas (the ones I make)

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
being my Mom

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Cindy on Jimmy Neutron (I have no idea who this is)

17. What do you and your mom do together?
cuddle

18. How are you and your mom alike?
we like the internet

19. How are you and your mom different?
because I (Alex) like video games

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
she kisses me goodnight every single night

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
Utah



AIDAN

1. What is something mom always says to you?
be safe

2. What makes mom happy?
us kissing her

3. What makes mom sad?
saying bad words to her

4. What does your mom do to make you laugh?
tickle

5. What was your mom like as a child?
I don't know

6. How old is your mom?
22

7. How tall is your mom?
50

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
dating (I think he means with Daddy and when I take them on special dates...I'm not dating anyone else!!!! lol))

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
read Twilight books

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
being a movie start (lol)

11. What is your mom really good at?
feeding the fish (lol)

12. What is your mom not very good at?
operating the playstation (seeing a theme here? lol)

13. What does your mom do for her job?
babysit

14. What is your mom's favorite food?
Chinese

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
making food

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Princess Leah

17. What do you and your mom do together?
fold laundry (he actually enjoys this, little weirdo! lol)

18. How are you and your mom alike?
brown hair

19. How are you and your mom different?
our talking

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
because you hug me and kiss me every day when I go to school

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
the movies

Exciting morning at Midas.

So, the brakes were making noise and all the shops were packed on Saturday so I got the exciting duty of taking the car to get the brakes worked on this morning. Wasn't so bad. I dropped the car off and then Connor and I walked across the street in the rain to IHOP to get some breakfast and to help pass the time. We get back from breakfast and a few minutes later, this lady comes in and says she needs to have them take out her front passenger seat so that she can get her pet boa out of it. The guy is standing there going, "You want us to do WHAT???" So, he calls a couple of the other guys in and they are laughing and trying to figure out what to do as this in uncharted territory for them. lol I guess her brother had the bright idea to take the snake for a ride and then it slithered it's way into the seat. So, they get the seat out and then call her in to actually pull it out because none of them macho men want to touch it (don't blame them!). She brought it in in a box while they put her seat back in so we got to see it. It was a baby maybe about 3 feet long. Then she decided the poor thing was too cold and stuffed it down her sweatshirt to warm it up. YUCK!!! In the end, it cost her just under $100 to retrieve the snake (they charged her for the labor). They were saying, "What do we bill this as?" lol I don't think that the snake will be going for any more car rides!

DAVID ARCHULETA!!!!!

Yesterday, I bought tickets for the whole family and Dad to see David Archuleta in concert!!! He will be at the Sunshine Theater in Albuquerque on March 14th. :) The boys have NO IDEA and I cannot wait to see their faces when they figure it out. :D They are so gonna freak out....in a good way! We cheered David on as a family last year when he was on American Idol and the boys think he's awesome. He is awesome and I hope he always stays true to himself and his beliefs and continues to be a good LDS role model for them. :) Even Connor will bring me my ipod and say, "Mom, can I listen to David?" lol It's going to be a lot of fun, I can't wait!!!!

Six months......

It seems unreal that today marks the beginning of our "six month dates" since Mom passed away. Today is 6 months since I last talked to Mom. *tears* Gosh how I miss talking to her. After having been living away from her for 11 years, phone calls were the biggest part of our relationship. Aside the much cherished visits, of course. I talked to her every day. Some times several times a day. lol I called her about everything and nothing too. I probably annoyed her sometimes. lol But, she was not just my Mom, next to my husband she was my best friend too. She was the one I'd call when I was upset and needed to vent, the first to call and share excitement with, the first I'd call to tell about funny things the kids did or said. She loved that the most and always told me that I needed to write it all down to laugh at down the road. Wish I was better at that. Even as an adult, I'd call her when I was sick. Because it just somehow made me feel better to hear her voice and feel her concern and love. I miss that all so much. I miss her sweet voice and am so afraid I'll someday forget how it sounded. My biggest sadness aside from losing her altogether was that I never got to talk to her the day she died. *tears* I'd been busy all day and only found out in the middle of the afternoon that she'd been in the hospital. I so wish that she or Dad would have called us girls and let us know. I tried calling, but Dad said she was asleep. Next thing I know, she's being taken to the hospital, lifeless and being worked on in an ambulance. I never got to talk to her. Our last conversation was just a quickie, talk about nothing of any importance conversation. It was light and happy. I am so glad the last words we each said was, "I love you." Never could have I imagined that would be the last time I'd hear her voice and 24 hours later she'd be gone. Never did I imagine last June that that would be the last time I would see her, hold her hand, talk face to face with her, and hug her. I do remember telling her then, that she couldn't go anywhere because there is no one on earth that would put up with my phone calls the way she did. :) I miss her so much. I would give anything if I could be granted just five more minutes with her. Just 5 more minutes to hug her and tell her how much I love her and make a really great lasting memory. On one hand it's really hard to believe it's been 6 months already and on the other, it feels like forever. Six months.....sigh.

Aidan's new 'do!

Here's Aidan's new look. He's being quite sensitive about it, poor kid. He went around the house in a "disguise" for a little while. lol He basically just has stubble all over his head (shaved with a 1). There wasn't any other way to fix it. Luckily, his hair does grow fast.

I can't believe my 7 year old did this!!!

I thought we were well past the age kids give themselves hair cuts. When I first got up, I thought he had just slept really weird and had some major bed head going on. Then I got closer to him and realized what he'd done. Oh man. All I can say is at least he's a boy and we can make the rest match and his hair does grow pretty fast. *rolleyes* I don't own clippers so, we'll be going somewhere as soon as places are open around here. He was NOT happy with me taking his pictures to document this moment. *laugh*

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Mom!

Today is a tough day for me. Today would have been Mom's 59th birthday. I should have been able to call her this morning and sing "Happy Birthday" to her, like I have every year. But, instead, I'm sad and in tears and missing her intensely. :( It probably doesn't help that we're also rapidly approaching 6 months since she passed. A half year without her. :( In some ways it's hard to believe it's already been 6 months and in others it feels like she's been gone a lot longer. I'd give anything to be able to sing Happy Birthday to her, but I guess I just have to hope that the Angels of Heaven are singing her the most beautiful birthday song ever, in my place. I love you forever, Mom. Happy Birthday, I bought these roses just for you.

Connor funnies.......

Connor and I are both suffering with nasty colds right now. Blah! Last night he was sniffling and snorting (can't seem to convince him that blowing is a better option! lol) and all the sudden he says, "Mom, sometimes when I snort my snot ends up in my mouth and I just don't know why!" lol Cracked me up. I guess that would be perplexing to a 4 year old! ;)

We just got back a few minutes ago from running errands. I picked up "The Secret Life of Bees" at the Redbox at Wal-Mart. He asks if he can watch it with me and I said "We'll see." He then asks me, "Well, is it for girls and men?" I guess the universe has tipped and I am now a girl and he a man! lol :) Funny boy.

Be my Valentine?

I need to get better at writing down funny kid moments. Great blackmail stuff for later down the road! lol Alex brought his class list home today to write out his Valentine cards. His buddies Matt and Mason are here....they are friends and I also watch them while their Mom works. So, they sit down at the kitchen table and go to work on his Valentines while I'm doing dishes. Of course I was listening to the conversation going on like 5 feet away from me. ;) I was cracking up at the serious deliberation they were having on exactly what (Pokemon, lol) valentine should be given to his crush!!! Last I knew, it was narrowed down to "I choose you to be my Valentine" and "Valentine, you're HOT!" Where's my bug eyes emoticon when I need it??? lol Geez....he isn't quite 10 yet! I have to laugh about his crush, because he doesn't want me to know, but he's so obvious about it. lol At least at this point in life, he's got great taste. :) She's cute, sweet and LDS. Let's hope his taste stays the same! Oh, her Mom (they are in our ward!) says the feeling is mutual! ;)

Aidan's search for truth.......

This afternoon, we're driving down the road when Aidan, who turned 7 last week says completely out of the blue......"Mom, I can't get baptized when I'm 8 till I know which Church is true!" I tell him that he needs to pray to Heavenly Father about it and ask him and he will get his answer." To which he responds....."But, Mom, I can't just pray about this at home, I've got to go to the woods!" lol

So, then we talk about that back then Joseph Smith probably lived in a pretty small house and had lots of brothers and sisters and probably didn't have his own bedroom with which to have privacy and peace & quiet to pray in. So, that's probably why he went to the woods, but that his (Aidan's) bedroom would probably be adequate especially since he'd be pretty hard pressed to find some "woods" to pray in, in Albuquerque. lol Though I suppose he could go to the "bosque" down by the Rio Grande. :p

Last call.........

There is a post on an online site I frequent right now from a member whose Grandma is in her final days. She is far from her and can't get to her side in time to be with her, so she is calling her today (may have already by now) to tell her goodbye. :( She was asking advice on how to start such a conversation and what she should say to her. It got me thinking about my last phone conversation with Mom. My last conversation with my Mom was pretty lame and brief. I sort of regret that. I talked to her every day, some times several times a day.....I called to tell her about everything important and everything not important too. lol I had NO idea that it would be the last time I would talk to her and maybe it was easier that way. Had I known, I would probably have been hysterical and would never have let her hang up. :( I wish that I had written her a letter like this lady had written her Grandma, really laying it all out there. Telling her everything that she means to me, how important she is in my life, telling her favorite memories, etc. I kept thinking I should do that, but never did. :( I try to find comfort though, in that my Mom had to have known how important she is to me by our relationship and how it was. By the fact that I did call her and talk to her about everything. Last June, when she got really sick and ended up in the hospital and I remember telling her that she couldn't leave me because there is no one on this Earth that would put up with my phone calls the way she did. lol Gosh how I miss talking to her. Telling her about everything important and everything not important. I don't think I could have handled knowingly making a "last call." I'm just so glad that even though our last conversation wasn't very deep, the last words we heard each other say in her lifetime was, "I love you."