KARMA.....

I'm a firm believer in you reap what you sow and what goes around comes around. Found out something today that has me laughing. I let someone take advantage of me for quite some time and did things for them out of the goodness of my heart, even when it made me crazy. A lot of control and boundary issues. I was way too obliging. Situations changed and I was left feeling used and taken advantage of. This person tried to start pulling the same kind of neurotic crap with someone new and this person smacked them down and put them in their place really quickly. I think it's hilarious! It's something that I wish that I had done a long time ago and should have done for my own good and theirs. Is it wrong of me to be enjoying this little tidbit of info and getting amusement out of it? Oh well if it is, I guess. :P

ER

Don't know that I can watch this show anymore. :( Last nights episode was incredibly awful and painful for me to watch. It made me think of my Mom and everything she went through. Watching them doing chest compressions, emergency "surgery" to try and fix things, to ultimately end with no brain activity and having to make the gut wrenching decision to turn the machines off. *tears* I was sobbing uncontrollably watching it.....but still had to know how it ended. :( *rolleyes* I just don't know if I can emotionally handle watching this show right now. *sigh*

Girls Night Out....

I love a good girls night out. I basically have two groups of friends here that I do GNOs with. Friends that are LDS and friends that are not. Obviously, there is no drinking with the LDS group and it seems to be a requirement of the evening for the other group. I'm the same non drinking person in either group and I have fun with the "girls" no matter what. Unfortunately, because I will not allow alcohol in my home, I can't seem to reciprocate the hosting with the second group because they want to be drinking. *shrug* No one else is willing to host for a variety of reasons right now and I extended the invitation, with the no drinking stipulation (as well as declaring that it should be a child free evening, because there is one who wanted to bring her 5 or 6 year old dd) and now I'm feeling like a bit of a dork because pretty much no one has responded to say, "I'm in!" Like being the geek in school whose parties no one wanted to go to. lol Oh well. It says far less about me, than it does them. It's sad and quite pathetic actually for people only to be interested in bottled fun. Otherwise, the food, the conversation, whatever we do (games, chick flicks, etc) is exactly the same. Do these women really not think they will have fun and enjoy themselves and each other without it? *shrug* What do they think I do? Now, it's not like any of them are ever "drunk" because I wouldn't hang out with them at all if that was the case, but it seems to be a requirement. I wonder if they even know what it's like anymore? It is actually making me rethink my involvement with them at all. Would they honestly rather just sit home without the booze? I truly don't get it. It's no skin off my back, I have a GNO with my LDS girlfriends coming up, so they can just sit home and do nothing if they like. :)

One month.....

Over the past 8 days, we've been hitting the one month marks. The 12th was one month from the day Mom "left" us and was brought back. The 15th was one month from the day that we let Mom go and what her death certificate reads as her date of death. Though we all truly feel that she died on the 12th. Today, is one month from the day that we laid Mom to rest. **sigh** Time is such a strange thing. It seems like just yesterday and so long ago all at once. Does that even make sense? What I do know, it that it feels like forever till I will see her again. *tears* The past month is sort of jumbled in my brain and feels like a big blur. My world shifted on August 12th and I don't know how to get it all back on track. Maybe I never will completely. I never imagined living without my Mom in my life, till I was a lot older. Even her own parents are still with us. Just not something that I ever thought would happen to me and my family. Even with Mom's diagnosis of Pancreatic Cancer last December, it was just never really a thought in our minds that she would leave us. Her prognosis was so good. Everything went even better than the doctors hoped things would go. She had BEATEN the cancer. She was CANCER FREE when she died. That's what so many people are not understanding. But, she started having complications after a precautionary round of chemo was started. That took me to Utah on May 31, to be with her in the hospital. It seemed to be one thing after the other from there, but all linked together. But, we honestly have no idea *why* she died. We actually think it was a bad reaction to the pain medication they gave her in the ER that morning. Having done a little research on it, since she died, I discovered that this medication is really not recommended for people with a few certain health issues......all of which she had. It probably should have never been given to her at all. But, there's not really a way to prove that. Her death certificate reads that she died from cardiac arrest (heart stopping, not heart attack!) and subsequent lack of oxygen to her brain. The problem is that we don't know *WHY* her heart stopped. Whatever happened, Mom somehow knew she was leaving and as quick as she spoke the words to Dad, she was gone. Not knowing exactly what happened is so hard and a very difficult thing to accept. She was only 58. Dad and Mandy got her headstone ordered on Thursday and I'm so glad for that. It's bothered me a lot that she only had the ugly little temp marker provided by the mortuary. We've all been learning to live without Mom. Each in our own ways. Dad has sought grief counseling and support group, which I am so glad for, though I never thought he'd do it! He's always been one to tough things out. He just can't tough out losing Mom and I never expected him to. He leaves Monday to go on a month long hunting trip that he'd planned for the past year. That will be good for him.....though I know all of us girls are going to be worrying the whole time he's gone. Then he'll come here for Thanksgiving before heading up to see Uncle LaVell in Oregon, then onto Jenny's house for Christmas. I'm soooooooo glad he's getting out of the house for the holidays. These are going to be a tough few months, with all the holidays.
I can't believe it's been a month. *sigh*

Ward Campout!!!

We had a Ward campout last night. It was a lot of fun and I am soooooooooo tired right now. We went to a newly renovated, beautiful campsite near Jemez Springs, NM. It's so green you almost forget you're in NM! :laugh: It is soooooooo not like this where we live....yet, it's only like 30ish miles away! Basically, families came and set up their own sites and we made our own dinners. Then at night we had our Cub Scout pack meeting.....during which Erik and Alex did a silly skit that got lots of laughs. :) Afterward, there was homemade rootbeer floats and s'mores to be had. :) We then went back to our own little spot and told scary stories around the campfire and then sent the kids to bed while Erik and I cuddled up by the fire. :) We got rained on some and listened to some major coyote howling. I don't know that I've ever heard the coyotes howling before, it's very strange! This morning, the High Priest Quorum made breakfast for everyone.......pancakes, eggs, bacon, juice, etc. Afterward, we packed up and came home. So much fun, but a lot of work for one night!!! Here's some pics from last night....

eta.....remembered to tell about this when I was doing the pictures.....on the way back to our campsite from where we had the program/pack meeting....Aidan decided he was going to take a "short cut" and run through the brush and weeds. It's dark, Erik and I are yelling to him to get back on the trail so he doesn't get hurt. Then what happens? He completely biffs it, right into the cactus. :bawl: We pulled out 50 or 60 cactus needles (if not more!) from his poor little legs. That was so not fun for any of us! :(




One view from our campsite!

The other view!

Alex and our furbaby Jack!

Erik building the campfire!

Aidan by the fire.

Rare pic of Erik and I together! :)

One Happy Camper!!!

Me and Aidan

A ginormous toad some of the kids caught!

Erik and Con Con

Erik and Alex doing their skit

Alex by the campfire!

Aidan after we'd pulled 50-60 cactus needles from his poor little legs! He was much happier by this point!

Erik telling scary stories by the fire....yeah, he was really into it! lol

Aidan taking his turn....he was trying so hard to be scary that it was more hilarious than scary! lol

Things that "get" me when I least expect it.........

Have a lot of them, but here's the latest. I was watching America's Got Talent with Erik last night. Most of the time it's just really light hearted entertainment. Then Neil E. Boyd gets up and sings. I shoulda known better, because the man is in tears on stage himself every week. lol He sings this song I've never heard before called.........Mama. OMGOSH......open the flood gates. I googled it today to find out who sings it and the artists are Il Divo. I vaguely recall ever hearing of them. Just downloaded it to my ipod. It's a really beautiful song. Here's the lyrics and the youtube of last night's performance by Neil E. Boyd.

Mama

Mama, thank you for who I am
Thank you for all the things I'm not
Forgive me for the words unsaid
For the times I forgot

Mama remember all my life
You showed me love, you sacrificed
Think of those young and early days
How I've changed along the way [along the way]

And I know you believed
And I know you had dreams
And I'm sorry it took all this time to see
That I am where I am because of your truth
And I miss you, yeah I miss you

Mama forgive the times you cried
Forgive me for not making right
All of the storms I may have caused
And I've been wrong, Dry your eyes [dry your eyes]

Cause I know you believed
And I know you had dreams
And I'm sorry it took all this time to see
That I am where I am because of your truth
And I miss you, I miss you

Mama I hope this makes you smile
I hope you're happy with my life
At peace with every choice I made
How I've changed along the way [along the way]

Cause I know you believed in all of my dreams
And I owe it all to you, Mama

Mom's Obituary......

ST. GEORGE— Connie Lee Maggard Tobler, 58, passed away Friday, August 15, 2008, after a valiant struggle with multiple complications stemming from pancreatic cancer. She was surrounded in love by many family members at the time of her passing.

Connie was born on February 4, 1950, in Salt Lake City to Bill and Arletta Maggard. On March 16, 1968, she married her eternal companion, Robert Grieg Tobler, in the St. George LDS Temple. They were thrilled to celebrate their 40th Anniversary just five short months ago, with many family members and friends.


She graduated from Dixie High School in 1968, two months after being married. Connie and Grieg lived for a time in Salt Lake City, and then a few years in Escondido, CA, before roots took them back to Washington, UT. They lived there for 24 years, before moving to St. George in 2000.

Above all, Connie cherished her role as wife, mother and grandmother. It was a six year struggle for her and Grieg to begin their family, but they were eventually blessed with three loving daughters. She took great joy in organizing and planning events that brought her family together. Connie loved traveling to places like Switzerland and Brazil, and many parts of the United States. She took joy in caring for her home and growing beautiful houseplants. Connie was a very loving and compassionate person, always caring for everyone around her.

Most recently, Connie was employed at the St. George Surgical Center. Words cannot express how grateful we have been for their generosity and graciousness during her illness.

She is survived by her husband, Grieg, of St. George, UT; Daughters and sons-in-law: Amanda and Jason Griffith, of St. George, UT; Jodi and Erik Simper, of Rio Rancho, NM; Jennifer and John Bramstedt, of Everett, WA; Seven beautiful grandchildren, who were the lights of her life: Maegan, Emily, Sarah, Alex, Aidan, Connor and Felix. She is also survived by her parents, Bill and Arletta Maggard, of St George, UT; Siblings: Steve Maggard, Stan Maggard, Marty Maggard, Kaelyn Smith, and their spouses.

A viewing will be held Tuesday, August 19, from 6:00-8:00 pm at Spilsbury Mortuary, 110 South Bluff, St. George. Funeral services will be held Wednesday, August 20, at 11:00 a.m. at the Foster Hills Ward Chapel, 259 Mall Drive, St. George. Friends may visit one hour prior to funeral services at the church. Interment will take place in the Washington City Cemetery.

About Mom's passing......

I have really been trying to muster the emotional energy to blog about everything that happened since my last blog. Coincidentally, my last blog was written the day that Mom passed. I haven't been able to do it. So, for now, I will copy/paste what my sister, Amanda, blogged....because it details so well all that happened. Words can't describe the anguish I felt as I was innocently driving home from a trip to Wally World with the kids and Amanda called to tell me that Mom was unresponsive, not breathing and had no pulse that she'd been doing CPR with Dad and that the paramedics were working on her. That night and the following days were very traumatic for me and I'm still working on dealing with all my emotions......hopefully, I can get to a place where I have more strength to give my own memories and details.. Here's Amanda's blog.......


This is very emotional for me. If you are emotional too, you might want to grab a kleenex if you intend to read through this.

I only got home from the hospital at 2:30 this morning, and it is now just after 6:00 here. I'm running on very little sleep and the most stressful event of my life affecting me right now, so please bear with me.

Let me back up by giving a few details:
My oldest daughter and I saw my parents Saturday morning for about an hour. She seemed fine, nothing unusual. We had a great visit with them!!

Sunday morning, my dad called and said that mom wasn't feeling well, had a fever and way bad chills. I didn't go over that day, not wanting to disturb her rest and also wanting to avoid giving her anything, should we be unknowing carries of any viruses.

Monday, mom went to work! She's been trying to work part time the past few weeks, just four hours a day. So Monday, she did. Then came home and rested , as usual, for about an hour or two. My youngest two daughters and I were in town running errands (oldest daughter was at a friend's house), so we stopped in for a late afternoon visit. We were there probably 30 minutes. Mom was happy, talking, laughing and overall acting totally normal. She was mashing potatoes as we left. I hugged her, told her I loved her as we said goodbye that day.

Little did I know that just over 24 hours later, I'd be administering CPR to my own mother, and watching the life slip away from her.

Backing up again....

Tuesday about 10:30 am, my aunt called me. She works in the same building as my mom. My aunt said, "What's going on with your mother?" I said, "What are you talking about? Isn't she at work?" Aunt Kae said, "Oh gosh, didn't your dad tell you? Your mom was in the ER all night long. She called in to work to say she wouldn't be in today, as they just left the hospital at 6:00 am."

I told her I'd hang right up and find out what had happened. My dad said they didn't want to disturb me and bother me with those details, because the hospital tests showed nothing wrong. (I told him I was a little frustrated that I had to hear it second hand and he'd better call me from now on!)

Apparently mom had horrific pain in her abdomen that radiated up into her chest and shoulders, so that's why they went to the ER Tuesday early morning. He said they did an MRI and found nothing, so they gave her three shots of pain killers (dilaudid) in the three hours she was there, and sent her back home. Neither of my parents could figure out WHY they wouldn't keep her there for observation, under the circumstances of her recent health problems (cancer, major surgery, a blood clot, lactic acidosis, severe edema, abdomen filling with fluid, etc)

So, they went home.

I talked with dad a few times over the course of Tuesday. Every time, she was asleep, or not coherent enough to talk to me. He tried to get her up a time or two. Once out on the couch, she basically just went right back to sleep. She wanted to go back to her bed, and in the process collapsed in my dad's arms, not being strong enough to stand. At some point, she woke up and asked for a milkshake, so dad went up the street and got her one. She hadn't eaten anything since the day before. Dad fed her as much of that as she wanted. He said she acted like she really enjoyed it.

Tuesday afternoon about 2:00 pm, all my girls were over at a family friend's house. My youngest two were playing with the kids, and my oldest was asked later to stay and babysit all the kids for a while. What a huge blessing that turned out to be!! Since I had more time before the kids would be back, I finished up my shopping at Costco and was at the gas pumps when I called my dad to ask if I might stop in to check on mom. He said (happily), "Sure, come on over!" I finished gassing up, and drove the 5 minutes or less to their house.

Between my call at the gas pumps and the drive over, dad checked on mom and she came to long enough to say, "I think I'm dying." Dad tried to get her out of bed and just couldn't. She wouldn't budge. Then her breathing became labored. He realized he'd need to call 911.

I walked in with my frozen peaches and some spinach (expecting to visit a good while and didn't want the food to spoil), so I came in their back door, and set the stuff down on the kitchen counter. Dad peeked around the corner from their bedroom, and said, "an ambulance is on the way!" WHAT!?!?!? He was still on the call with 911. I flew into their room. I don't think I'll ever forget what I saw just then. My mom was literally taking her last breaths. At first, my knees just buckled and I flung myself over her on the bed. I started screaming at her, "mommy wake up, mommy wake up!" I don't think I've called her mommy for close to 30 years!!!

Her eyes were all glazed over, there was nothing there. I quickly got my wits about me and started CPR. I didn't know what else to do. There was no life in her. Dad and I took turns doing breaths, I did the chest compressions. Her jaw was clinched shut, but I saw and heard her chest rising. We only did this for 2-3 minutes before the ambulance showed up. When they took her away, she was flatlined.

In the meantime, I'm frantic, hysterically calling Jason and Jodi. Jason came to pick me up, and drove me to the hospital. I felt so horrible calling Jodi in the state I did, as I'd just barely talked to her in between Costco and our parent's home, telling her I'd be checking on mom and would let her know how she was after I visited. Of course, Jodi goes biserck. But, she was able to call my other sister. I told them both they need to prepare to come this way, it doesn't look good.

I will try to condense the rest of the story, as its already very long and everything from the hospital on is kind of a blur. The paramedics and ER trauma team worked on her for a good half hour. They were almost ready to give up. My dad told them to keep trying. Finally, they were able to establish a pulse. But, she basically went into a coma. She's on a ventilator. All sorts of blood tests are way bad. Her blood sugar was at 11, her pH was way off, and all sorts of other awful things. Her abdomen ballooned from the time at her home, to the hospital. After quite a while in the ER, they took us up to ICU, where she had been moved. They told us we could see her in a half hour, but it took three hours, because of so many complications they didn't expect. Finally about 10:00 pm, they decided she needed to go into surgery to look at her abdomen, or she wouldn't make it through the night.

The whole group of us (my dad, aunt, uncle, cousin, another cousin and her Dh, and myself---Jason had gone to pick up the kids around 9:30, so he wasn't there)...we all got to finally see her in ICU before they took her to surgery. It was so emotional for us all. My dad and my cousin's husband gave her a Priesthood blessing (a special prayer). There hadn't been a chance earlier in the ER with all the commotion going on. My grandfather and another uncle had also been there earlier but had to get back home themselves.

During the surgery, they were looking for a "dead bowel". Thankfully, that was ruled out. They confirmed the blood clot, which is what's been causing all the fluid build up in her abdomen. They drained out 3 gallons of fluid. On a women that is literally skin and bones, that is a TON of weight. The surgeon came out and said that had they not gone in to surgery when they did, she probably wouldn't have lasted another hour. But, doing the surgery is no guarantee of a good outcome. Doing the surgery, however, and draining the fluid, greatly relieved the pressure on her chest cavity. Even on the ventilator, she's breathing easier (before it was SO labored!).

They won't know for another day or two, the extent of any brain injury from having gone so long without oxygen. We're guessing she was without heartbeat, pulse and breath for close to 45 minutes, between the time dad and I worked on her, and when the ER team got a pulse again. They are giving us grim odds.

So, we are now basically hoping for the best, but preparing ourselves for the worst. My mom is unrecognizable at the moment, and likely will be for a long time yet. The surgeon told us to expect extreme swelling, especially of her face. I've never seen so many tubes, wires and machines before. My parents, years ago, signed statements in their wills that should they ever be in a state that would render them a "vegetable", that they would wish to be taken off life support. I don't know why, but I have a feeling that is where this is headed, although I know miracles can still happen. We've told the hospital staff that they need to keep her alive long enough for my sisters to arrive and be here with her a little while. Jodi and family will be here in about 5 hours (they overnighted at a hotel in Flagstaff, AZ), and our other sister and her little family will be here sometime tomorrow. They are driving here from Seattle. I think its about 1200 miles.

That is really all to say for now. Except, I beg of you all to pray for my mom, and our entire family. We're going to need all the blessings and strength we can. Thank you so much for the prayers you've already offered.
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(later update)

Jodi and I are here together in the ICU waiting room. She and her family arrived just after lunchtime today. Our other sister and family are still driving, and likely won't be here until late tomorrow. Dad has his laptop here, so we've been able to log on a couple times today. We are so very touched by the overwhelming response of your love, support and prayers. Words cannot express how grateful we are to all of you.

Here's the short of it:
There is no hope. She will never recover in any way. There is too much damage done to not only her brain, but all the rest of her vital organs. She was just without oxygen for too long. Her blood sugar was 11 when they admitted her last night. They did an EEG today, to see her brain activity. It was discovered that she's having seizures. We started to see little twitches in her face today. I think they are giving her meds to help control it. She is in no pain. She has been stable

Although they have her "alive" physically, Dad and I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt, that her spirit left her body yesterday afternoon. We know that she is already in a better place, although her physical body is still here, only living through these machines. What a blessing to know that she is not suffering any longer, and has been made whole. We are grateful for the knowledge that we will see her again one day.

We are hoping to keep her hanging on, long enough for our youngest sister to get here. She will need that closure. All of us are starting to make funeral plans. Its going to be a hard few days. At this point, we think the funeral will be Tuesday. Jodi and I never thought we'd be in our 30's and burying a parent already. What an unreal feeling.
Posted by Amanda at 8/14/2008 06:53:00 AM