Not my will, but thy will be done....

I had a really tough day emotionally at Church today. In Relief Society (women's organization/class) our lesson was on having more meaningful prayers. I think normally this subject would have been okay for me, but the Sister giving the lesson today and tying her personal experience into it was what made it so hard for me. Tomorrow is the three year anniversary of her husband's death. :cry: She started talking about their experience.....he had cancer, had surgery, been through treatments, etc and thought they had beaten it. That sounds so familiar. In his case, the cancer came back and in the end he lost the battle and we don't really know exactly why Mom died, so in that, there is a difference. But, listening to this Sister talk about things from her perspective and it was so much like the experience that the rest of us had going through this with Mom. We prayed. Prayed so hard. She received many blessings and I guess it never really occurred to any of us that Mom might not make it. It was the same for her and their family. She said in all of her prayers, not once did she pray for him and say, "Not my will, but thy will (God's will) be done." So, in the end, when things didn't turn out how they expected it made things very difficult. This is the very exact same thing I am struggling with now on a spiritual level. I know this is a trial of my own faith. I know that God has a plan for each and every one of us. But, not having the ability to see the whole picture (that God does) or know what it is ahead of time, so I can be prepared.....it is so so difficult. I'm having a hard time right now (and I know this) with putting MY will, how I saw MY life and all that aside to accept what HIS will is. What my Mom's own plan was/is. It's hard for me to accept that there is anything more important than her being here and being my (and my sister's) Mom, my Dad's wife and being Grandma to her seven grandchildren.......who all miss her terribly. I'm having a real struggle with not being selfish about that......and it bothers me. So, today having these words spoken in a lesson today felt like God talking to me personally. Telling me to trust in him and what his will is. I do........I just don't know *how* to get past this and maybe it's something that only can happen in time. As this sister talked more and more.....the tears were welling up in my eyes and I was trying so hard to contain it all. The harder I tried to contain it, it was causing me to hyperventilate and I finally had to get up and go let it all out before I passed out. Luckily, there was an outside door right there and I went out that door and walked from the outside to the door right next to the restrooms. I went in there and cried a little and got myself breathing normally again. I had to go back in though, because I took off without my purse. I walk back in and of course everyone is looking at me. The sweet ladies around me were rubbing and patting my back.....they all knew what was going on with me, of course. It wasn't easy sitting there the last few minutes and the tears had started flowing again. I couldn't get to my car fast enough after and I cried and cried..... loud ugly crying. :bawl: I haven't cried that hard in a long time. Maybe not even since right when everything happened with Mom. Maybe I just needed another emotional release. Now my face is red and puffy, my eyes are swollen and my head is throbbing. :( I just want my Mom back and I don't know how to get over that.